Seeking Joy

I had left work fuming after my conversation with SN and spent the drive home devising my exit strategy and weighing up my options. It was depressing and I arrived home depressed.

My baby was delighted to see me and that was enough to lift my spirits for a few hours. Diane was still doing an 'okay job' but there was something about the house... I could not put my finger on it. It was clean, everything in it's place and Diane was making a Trinidadian dish - macaroni pie with beef stew - nice. Still, everything seemed somehow.

By the time Tunji got home and Kitan went to bed, my grumpiness was unleashed full force. I just seemed discontent... for no good reason. Tunji said "Omara, you have a job, you have a child, you have family and friends, you have your health, your own home, car, clothes, jewellery, money... why can't you be happy"

"Why can't I be happy?"

On Saturday, we decided to combine business with pleasure. Tunji had to be in Kent for business so Kitan and I tagged along. After the business part, we planned to drive to the funfair in Margate but we got hungry along the way and stopped off at a pub. The pub had a fantastic contained indoor play area. There were other children there so we let Kitan off to play. We dragged him back to eat when his shepherds pie arrived but he went back after eating. After being inside for a bit, we went to the outdoor padded play area and he played on the climbing frame and slides. That was how a short stop-over for lunch turned into 3 hours at this place but it was a fun family time, just us 3 and it helped tire him out so we decided to head back home.

Diane works half days on Saturdays and goes back to her sister's for the weekend. I was tired from work and I was dreading having to look after Kitan by myself. Tunji wanted to go and play golf when we got back but I begged him to stay home. In the evening, I bathe Kitan and went to put him to bed.

In his little head, I disappear when he sleeps so he was determined not to sleep. I tried everything to no avail. In between his getting up and out of his room, I was trying to find something to wear to church on Sunday. In my large closet filled to the brim with clothes, I could not find anything to wear - everything was too small, too ill fitting, too inappropriate- nothing fit! I was getting angry with myself and the weight issue as well as getting frustrated when Kitan kept getting out of bed. I had to call for Tunji to put Kitan to bed while I focused on finding something to wear.

I have to do something about losing weight - start a diet, go to the gym, cut off body parts - anything!!!

Anyway, after church on Sunday, I was looking forward to going home, putting Kitan down for his nap and getting a snooze myself when my sister called. She and her husband were going to visit someone in hospital, could they bring the children round? "OOOOh God!" If not that Kitan absolutely loves his little cousins and would love having them around, I would have said "NO!" but I said "Yes" and ended up with 3 toddlers to look after on Sunday afternoon.

Monday morning 5:30am, I'm awake to get ready for work, Tunji is ironing for me (as he always does) and we finally have a 'proper conversation' - I tell him about how unhappy I am with my weight, I tell him about the latest issue with SN, I tell him about how I am happy with what I have but sometimes the things I'm not happy with crowd the happy stuff out, I tell him that I'm feeling boxed in and need more life options.

We prayed and asked God to help me enjoy the many blessings in my life. The devil comes to steal and I must not let him steal my joy. Kitan woke up soon after, which was good because I did not have to disappear while he was asleep but was able to say good bye to him and ask him to be a good boy for his Daddy and Aunty Diane.

I kissed my boys at the door and set off.

p.s. I dressed Kitan up in traditional Nigerian attire (despite his protests of "I don't want it Mummy") for church on Sunday and he looked sooooo cute!